Getting Off The Struggle Bus
If you told me three years ago that one day life would feel manageable again, I wouldn’t believe you. I would have laughed in your face actually, followed by uncontrollable sobbing, interrupted only to hydrate and caffeinate. We were very new into life as parents of three kids; a two year old and newborn twins.
When I found out that I was pregnant with twins, it was a shock to say the least. I spent the entire pregnancy digesting the news, and when the twins made an early entrance, I still hadn’t prepared myself for what life would actually be like raising three tiny humans.
The twins’ birth and subsequent two week NICU stay was a rollercoaster, followed by a turbulent stay at McMaster Children’s Hospital due to health complications for both twins. When we arrived home I was eternally grateful that both of our twins were still alive, however, I was struggling with the rocky transition going from one to three kids.
We had two premature babies with such severe reflux that they screamed through every feed. We were so sleep deprived that I forgot what it felt like to close my eyes without them burning. I felt tremendous guilt over not being able to give our toddler the amount of attention she craved and the stimulating environment I wanted her to have. We had a steady stream of medical appointments for the twins due to health concerns. The world was in crisis because of the Pandemic. My Postpartum Anxiety was out of control.
Someone told me that I will settle into my new normal, adjust, and everything will be okay. I struggled a lot with this idea as I didn’t want to settle into our new normal because I didn’t want this to be our new normal. How were we all going to survive the pressure cooker that was our new life? For real, I didn’t know. I was on the Struggle Bus; not as a passenger, but as the Owner and Operator. I knew I had so much to be grateful for, but I also knew that days and nights were hard. I knew I wasn’t going to give up, but I also knew I didn’t have much left to give.
To be honest I don’t think we ever adjusted to our new normal; we did however, survive it. The crucial part of this survival was a huge shift in mindset. Instead of focusing on what I wanted life to be like for our family (because that was just an invitation to a Pity Party for one), I focused on what priorities we had for our family, and meeting them. I broke it way down and just prioritized Basic Needs. Is everyone safe? Yes. Is everyone fed? Yes. Has everyone felt loved today? Yes. Everything else was gravy.
In all seriousness, surviving the first three years of life with twins and a tot had so much to do with me reminding myself to ‘set the bar low’. This was a difficult shift in thinking as it goes against societal pressures to ‘dream big’ or ‘set the bar high’. However, setting the bar low ensured our survival, as I knew that everyday our family’s basic needs would be met, and if anything else was accomplished (such as baking with my toddler or washing and folding the laundry), it was just a pleasant surprise rather than an expectation that was left unmet. After embracing this mindset shift, life became manageable again.
Now don’t get me wrong, life is still hectic. Trying to get all three kids ready to play outside during the winter, for example… pure chaos. Picture my oldest kiddo heavily inconvenienced that her tutu won’t fit underneath her snowpants, while the twins have simultaneously turned into blonde spider monkeys parkour-ing off the couches because THE FLOOR IS LAVA. Most winter mornings leave me searching for their snowsuits and my sanity.
We still have our crazy days (and some sleepless nights) but we’ve made it past strictly surviving, and have been able to ‘raise the bar’ beyond basic needs. We are at a point now where we can add items to our daily priorities because we have the capacity to, which we didn’t have when we were ‘surviving’. And you know what that means? I finally got off the Struggle Bus!
I exited the vehicle and backed away very slowly. I made sure to put the keys somewhere I can easily find them because before you know it, it’ll be September and the twins will be starting Junior Kindergarten. I anticipate that this new season of momentous change will find me taking the Struggle Bus for a drive down Anxiety Avenue, however, if that happens, we have three years of proof that we can navigate bumpy roads. Although we can’t anticipate all the detours or traffic jams, I know we will be okay.
By Lilly Pease